I think we all know the lows & more lows of our TwoThousandAndTwenty. So for this look at a selection of
the cultural high & lowlights of this year let’s take a trip over to one of the many parallel/alternative Earths
doing the rounds out there. I’ve plumped for Earth 21,027/6b (not an obvious one, I know) to see what’s
been tickling their giblets. Here are 10 of the best:
What a year. Don’t worry, I’m not here to be yet another commentator blabbing on & on about that virusthing, Trump, Brexit, that Kanye West Love Lockdown song, all the Cummings & goings in politics and who
won that telly show about, well, whatever any of them are about.
No, for this look back at the year I have popped over to one of our parallel existence Earth cousins (Earth
21,027/6b to be precise) to see what they were experiencing. And now I share with you ten of the bestest
things that went down there:
You wanna recap of the year’s cultural highs & lows? Why? Can’t you remember that far back? I think we ALL
know what happened, thank you very much. But what most of us don’t know is what happened in any of
those parallel Earths out there – those alternative places, where things are sometimes just a little skewwhiff.
So, I’ve taken a trip over to Earth 21,027/6b (as designated by the ‘Ones Who Know’) to see what went down
there. Why don’t you join me?
1. In April King Charles gave an exclusive interview to the Director General of the BBC, Sir Rolf
Harris, where among the many highlights he admitted to being directly involved with the
previously assumed suicide-by-hunting-rifle death of his mother back in 1998. His main
justification was the retaliation for the murder the year before of his former wife, Lady
Michael Jackson’s Dirty Diana, whom he never really loved anyway but there’s a principle, you
know. No criminal charges were raised in response to the confession but no one was surprised
or even cared.
2. The five surviving members of Mancunian 60’s pop legends The Beetles (Geoff, Jeff, Jet, Stevie
& Bones) all released solo albums on the same day in July to commemorate the 35th
anniversary of the passing of former bandmates Tinkle and Snozz – who died due to musical
differences backstage at Gary Glitter’s Live Aid just minutes before the (not even) once in a
lifetime reunion performance was due to happen. The five, who vowed that day never to ever
meet again, decided the solo thing would be the closest to a reformation for the fans. All the
albums were well received and are still joint-Number One (at the time of writing) … except for
Jeff’s. His only sold 16 copies after stories emerged of his involvement in an underground
battered onion ring in the 70’s. His live televised hanging on ITV’s Have I Got Noose For You
was the show’s most watched episode in its 16 year history.
3. In the US, a further Amendment was added to the Constitution so that President Pepe the Frog
could remain in power for a third term. There were no objections.
4. In March the organisers of the Oscars ceremony were forced to cancel the whole thing after
they received NO nominations whatsoever from Academy members, due to them all being too
worried about offending anyone.
5. The Olympics was hit with a scandal when it was revealed that ALL participants were actually
robots AND on drugs. The world’s press seemed to all agree that one of these things could be
accepted but not BOTH at the same time. No one could agree which one would be preferably
And now let’s take a moment to think about all the Earth 21,027/6b celebrities we lost this
Right. Are you done? Can we move on now? Thank you.
6. Local news anchor Donald Caster from Doncaster became a national celebrity when his recordbreaking bout of hiccups interrupted his daily news reports for 3 months in a row. He went on
to top the hit parade pop charts when superstar McDJ Calvin Harris sampled one of his ‘…And
Finally…’ stories for a dancefloor banger. Don followed that by winning this year’s series of
Celebrity EastEnders, getting a whopping 125.9% of the public vote in the not at all suspicious
7. Hollywood megastar Ryan Gosling stepped down from playing ‘The Boy Wizard’ Harry Potter
after its 17th instalment – ‘…and the Shag of His Life’ – failed to perform at the global box office.
He claimed that the franchise had “strayed way off from what I signed up for…” and “that was
never what JK had meant when referring to Harry’s ‘wand’”. The singer from Jamiroquai &
author of the novels from which the films are very loosely based has been unavailable for
comment since being sectioned under the Mental Health Act for being virtually insane.
8. Prime Minister Boris Johnson (yeah, I know. Crazy isn’t it?), in partnership with Boots,
launched a range of contraceptive shampoos in the summer. Queues stretched for miles… with
people wanting out of this fucking country.
9. Terry & June remained the nation’s highest rated sitcom for the 41st year in a row, despite
losing both its lead actors years ago now. Its makers put its longevity & popularity down to the
fact that “well, people are stupid, aren’t they?”
10. The internet almost broke in uproarious anger when the casting of the next James Bond was
revealed to be none other than Doctor Who! Comments ranged from “If I ever meet producer
Chubby Cauliflower I’m gonna REALLY kill him” to “It’s not been the same since Bob Holness
left. And besides, Doctor Who ain’t even REAL, like what James is”.
So there you have it.