Here’s another piece of news – a couple of weeks ago, I decided to become a cultured person! High time! And, although one can become a cultured person at any time, this very moment is perfectly suited for it! To achieve this goal, you need to have the opera close by. And so, I began to attend the Met Opera without a mask… Online (in case anybody didn’t understand my joke). So I saw a couple of Verdi operas, and then a couple of operas by someone almost as worthy – Puccini. Then there were a couple of Wagners. And then a couple of other Germans… I can’t remember it all right now. And I saw some other stuff a couple of times. What can I say? I seem to be feeling like a cultured person. By the way I even bonked a couple ballerinas with a frying pan. There was only one frying pan, but a couple of ballerinas. One was totally old, about 30. The other was no longer a child. She was about 15. They were standing in balletic positions in front of the window display of the store BLOCH which is near the New York Ballet at the intersection of Columbus Avenue and 62nd Street. Deluxe toe shoes and stylish summer and winter footwear for ballerinas were featured in the window display, and these ballerinas were sorrowfully studying all of this. For them the window display was not only not boring, it was actually enticing. And here my culture showed itself – I thought to myself, why allow these poor women to torture themselves. The opera is closed, the store is closed – what’s left for them to do? Why punish them this way? I decided to put them out of their misery with my frying pan. It just so happened that I had the frying pan with me, a frying pan which could accommodate an entire pack of bacon with Real Vermont Maple taste in the morning – there’s enough space for each slice of bacon in this frying pan. I suspect that you could actually feed all the ballerinas in New York with just this one frying pan –– assuming their religious views allow them to eat bacon and they don’t have other restrictions. You have no idea how many restrictions ballerinas have. I have a little experience with that. With a pair of ballerinas. But I held out – instead I began to drink whiskey and smoke cigars. That is simpler and healthier and cheaper. So, at this point I struck them each once. A whole detachment of National Guard was passing by!…but my actions didn’t arouse any interest…they just kept walking on, in order to fulfill important orders. Plus, the whole regiment understood that these ballerinas would be better off unconscious. They also predicted that when the quarantine comes to an end, and it’s time to open this store for ballet footwear, the owner will walk up in a luxurious white suit, or better yet, he’ll drive up in a while limousine, or best of all, in a white carriage drawn by 44 white horses! He’ll see the two lovely ballerinas in front of his window display, lying unconscious, and he’ll kiss them! And they will come to! They will begin to jump and dance and laugh and take joy in life under the popping of champagne and that very same National Guard detachment will walk up and each member will have a couple of bouquets of white roses (Rus. Белые розы!) for the ballerinas! The store owner, as a respectable man and understanding his obligation in bringing the ballerinas back to life after the quarantine, will marry them! Or he’ll adopt them both… or he’ll marry one and adopt the other. That will depend on the religions convictions of those involved… or on other restrictions. Anyway, that’s not for us to decide – let them work it out themselves. And so, deciding to become a cultured person – in the end, anyone can do it. You don’t even need to become a person of high culture and strike ballerinas with a frying pan – you can start with something small, for example not tossing used masks and gloves on the ground.
© Dmitry Sokolenko 2020